


Two Mules for Señor Fílibérto

by WerewulfTherewulf



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Fantastic Beasts AU, Harry Potter AU, M/M, Minor Character Deaths, Swearing, Wild West AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-24
Updated: 2017-03-24
Packaged: 2018-10-10 01:00:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10425726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WerewulfTherewulf/pseuds/WerewulfTherewulf
Summary: Kili, a semi-prominent figure in the Family Business, is chased out of Victoria's London by the rival gang. In the heat of the moment, he apparates to the very first place he can think of, but it doesn't quite go as he had hoped. He lands in the wilds of southwestern America, where he meets a dashing and intimidating local named Fili. This roguish man offers his help in getting Kili home, but only if Kili helps him out first.An atypical Harry Potter/Magical Beasts AU poorly disguised as a Spaghetti Western





	

**Author's Note:**

> I, as you may know if you're a follower, have lots of crazy AUs. I wanted to do a(nother) wizarding AU, but I decided to keep it close to home this time around :)

Kili’s heart beat erratically as he ran for his life. He was being chased by a group of thugs employed by Smaug, his Uncle’s greatest rival. Lately the two large companies had been at each other’s throats, in what was best described as a cold war. Unbeknownst to Kili, he had accidentally stepped on a few toes while out being a socialite. Ever since then, Smaug’s cronies had been out for him.  Kili’s biggest mistake was confiding in Dwalin about his troubles. Dwalin, who had practically raised him, was Thorin’s right hand man. He hated Smaug just as much as Thorin, but had no restraint.  The next thing he knew, Smaug’s headquarters had been burned to the ground. It had come just after Kili had given some of Smaug’s thugs an empty threat about getting them back. All eyes were trained on him after that, and were out for his blood. He had successfully evaded them for three tense weeks, but they had finally caught up with him.

Now, Kili was sprinting through the cobbled streets of London, shoving aside pedestrians and splashing through puddles of rain and refuse. He bobbed and weaved through several stalls, including one that sold Mrs. Moffat's meat pies, whose smell reminded him of his visit to North America with his Uncle Thorin years ago. It didn’t help, the horrible peons were seemingly one step behind him at every turn.

Seeing his chance, Kili charged directly in front of a cabbage merchant who was pushing his cart across the street. The sudden action startled the merchant so much he overturned his cart, spilling the cabbages all over the filthy bricks. As the merchant screamed over his lost produce, Kili’s followers became tripped up and struggled to quickly get around the mess. This gave Kili several precious seconds to find a new route, which was in the form of a nearby alley. It was a dead end.

Backed against a building at the far end, Kili’s thoughts raced. Where could he go from here? This was surely it. He could try and run out of the alley, perhaps, without them seeing him? Definitely not, they'd see him for sure. There was one last thing he could do, which was apparate somewhere, anywhere else. Kili was very nervous about that option though. He had always been a terrible student at Hogwarts, and learning to apparate was no different. He never practiced it, horror stories from the  _ Daily Prophet _ coming to mind whenever he thought about it. But now he had no choice.

With a loud  _ crack  _ Kili landed on the hard, wooden floor of his new destination. The first sensation to reach him, other than the sharp pain in his rear, was the temperature. It was so hot he felt weighed down by it, and the humidity only made things worse. He was next assaulted by the smell. A thick cloud of sweat and dust hung in the air, making it hard for Kili to catch his breath. At least he made it in one piece… but where was he? Struggling to take deep breaths in his new environment, he looked around slowly.

Several wild looking ruffians were glaring straight at him, all of them interrupted by his sudden appearance. Every single one of them looked like a rough, rugged brigand who had seen more than their fair share of brawls and jail cells. Some were playing cards, others sitting only with their large tankards. Kili also noticed that an alarming number of them had  guns on their hips, and some sort of spiky wheels on the heel of their boots! There was no doubt about it, wherever Kili had landed himself, it was far more dangerous than London.

After eyeing Kili up and down, the patrons seemed to deem him harmless, and went back to their own business. The man on his piano in the corner began playing a new tune, and flies began buzzing around Kili’s head. He needed out, and fast.  Getting to his feet, he tiptoed over to what he thought was the entrance as silently as he could, but was met by his first obstacle instantly. These doors… they barely reached past his hips, and were shaped quite oddly! There was no way these were practical, why were they even there? Seeing no doorknob, Kili went ahead and pushed himself out, and was startled when the doors automatically swung shut behind him and continued swinging back and forth for some seconds afterward.

Outside, Kili was faced with his new setting. It was gloaming, but that didn’t stop him from being able to see miles and miles of sand, dirt and rocks. Black silhouettes of tall, thick and oddly shaped trees were all over the place. There were other trees, shorter and wild looking, though they were few and far between. The only noises seemed to be a strange buzzing that came from the trees and the chatter from inside the tavern behind him, which seemed to be at the edge of a tiny town. There were several more buildings down on his left, the infrastructure reminding him of a main street in London. A  series of muted noise somewhere in front of him grabbed his attention, making his heart skip a beat.

Several feet away from him, next to the foundation that held a building labeled as the ‘General Store’, was a man and his horse. The man and his horse were facing away from Kili, and the man was tying up supplies to his horse in what appeared to be preparation to leave town.  Before he knew what was what, Kili was standing next to the man, and his horse. Unlike all the patrons in the bar, this man was somehow different. His skin was tanned and hair bleached from the sun, like the other folk, but he was definitely cleaner and more healthy. He turned and looked at Kili, taking a step back when he noticed how close Kili was.

“What d'ya want?” he asked, eyeing Kili up and down. Kili was taken aback by the man’s terseness. 

“I-- I need your help,” he choked out. The blond man slowly raised one eyebrow. But then a little smile appeared on his face, he snorted and he reached up and adjusted the odd hat on his head.

“O-kay,” he smirked. “Lemme guess… you thought y’all'd be able to continue the ‘family business’, and strike it rich with gold like your pa?” he shook his head once, “It’s not gonna happen. You and your friends are too late to prey on some poor yack. The Rush ended years ago.”

Kili’s brow creased in confusion.  _ The Rush _ ? “What? I don’t know what that is… you have to help me leave town! I don’t know where I am, I need to get home,” he watched as the blond man’s expression went through a series of inquisitive expressions. He looked Kili up and down again, really looking at his clothes.

“Where--?” he began asking. He stopped and shook his head once. “I don’t have time for this. Look, just head back into the saloon and grab a drink. Ask about the pony express or a traveling merchant. He should come ‘round these parts any time, and can take you to the next town that’s got a train. You can get back to uh… New York, that a-way,” he instructed. He turned away from Kili and poked through each of the bags on his horse’s saddle.

“I don’t know what a saloon is and I don’t have money! It’s all in my family’s bank,” 

The man stopped and turned back around, looking agitated. “You just came from that watering hole. If I buy you a drink will you leave me be?”

Kili was worried and anxious, but he nodded. Maybe things would go just as smoothly as this man was saying. He’d get on the train to New York and take a boat back to London. No problem! And by then, Smaug’s goons may have moved on to better things.  Resigned, the blond ruffian gestured for Kili to follow. He led him back into the dangerous building he had just left, and as they walked up to the main counter, Kili glanced around nervously. 

“Barman!” the blond called. He dug into a pouch at his hip and pulled out several bits of money. He placed them onto the bar. “Get this man a few drinks, please.”

He didn’t wait around a second longer. As soon as the man tending the bar turned his attention towards Kili, he was turning away and setting off.

“Hey wait! You’re not leaving me here all alone, are you?” Kili cried before he knew what he was doing. “Stay for at least one drink… please?”

The other man glared at Kili over his shoulder and was ready to decline. But he looked Kili up and down one more time, hesitated, then ultimately gave in. He joined Kili for a drink, and feeling optimistic Kili tried to start and hold a conversation with him. It was a failed attempt. The blond man was constantly surveying their surroundings, wary of everyone and everything his eyes landed on. It was certainly suspicious, and it made Kili wonder what kind of man he had sitting next to him.

“Hey! Blondie! I remember you... You stole my bounty!” a stranger suddenly bellowed. He jumped to his feet and pointed viciously at Kili’s blond companion. The man at the piano stopped playing. All the other patrons stopped what they were doing and focused on either of the two men. It was an uncomfortably familiar sight for Kili, who had experienced the same thing not an hour ago. The wayward ruffian sighed and rolled his eyes. He got to his feet and raised his arms up.

“Now, now,” he began, “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,”

“He-y! I know him too! He stole MY bounty TOO! A mighty big one it was!” another patron yelled, also standing up. His hand shot to the gun on his hip, sending shivers down Kili’s spine.

“He stole one of my bounties too!” called out another man, then another, and another. A total of eight men were stood up and glaring fiercely at the blond.

“We gotta keep this sonnofabitch from stealing any more of our bounties, _men_ ,” one spurned thug growled. A murmur of agreement from the others rang out. And then, every one of those men pulled out their wands, or their guns. Kili was quaking in his boots, but didn’t see when the blond reached for his own wand. Everyone stood in grim silence, eight men staring down one. A beat, and then a torrential storm of spells and bullets were zipping every which way.

Kili threw himself beneath a table for shelter, watching and listening to the goings on around him. He weighed the benefits of trying to apparate back home with the consequences, being mindful of any shrapnel nearly hitting him. It was the image of an associate at the bank being horribly mutilated by an apparation accident that made his choice. That man had been apparating for most of his life, and yet he ended up dying from it when he tried to escape a dire situation. Kili was in a dire situation, there was no way he was going to try that now!

He peaked out from beneath the table. If he could just manage to sneak out… the blond man caught his eye. He held his light grey, porous looking wand in his left hand as he shot quick and easy spells at everyone he could, all while dodging everything they threw back at him.

One brigand shot at him a streak of purple arrows which he dodged narrowly by launching himself at a table. He wildly shot back blindly, but the bright green bolt missed all the targets. Before he could right himself, an orange bolt hit it, snapping it in two. Kili gasped, terrified for the blond stranger he barely knew. There was no getting out alive now. The blond man didn’t miss a beat. He dropped the bit of wand still in his hand and shoved his hands to his sides. They came back up with a pair of pistols, already firing away at his adversaries.

Gaining an ounce of courage, Kili carefully pulled out his own wand. He pointed it at the group of attackers and quietly murmured, “ _ Avis Oppugno! _ ”

A flock of goldfinches sprouted forth from the tip of his wand and charged directly at his targets. They were sufficiently distracted, but unfortunately so was the blond. He was grazed by the last bullet that was fired before the birds came. He hissed and grabbed his shoulder, then grabbed the edge of a table and flipped it onto its side to use as a shelter. All the other men were still frantically fighting off the cloud of feathered foes when he spotted Kili hiding beneath the table across the room.

Kili gaped at him for a moment, then glanced at the others. He saw his chance, and took it. He scrambled out from the table and booked it out the entrance. He stood there on the wood platform, not sure where to go now that he was away from the warzone. The sound of the doors swinging wildly behind Kili startled him so bad he jumped off the foundation and hid on the ground. A body flew over him and landed a few feet away, kicking up a cloud of dust. It was the blond man.  It seemed that he had found Kili’s idea of bravely running away just as appealing. He did not stop and hide, however, and instantly sprinted off towards his horse.

Kili stood up. “Hey wait! Where are you going?!” he asked stupidly. The blond looked at him incredulously over his shoulder as he climbed up onto his horse. Several loud shouts from within the saloon grabbed their attention. “Don’t leave without me!” Kili pleaded.

The blond man clicked his tongue and dug his heels into the horse’s sides, leading it over gently with the reigns. He held out his hand to Kili, who grabbed it and awkwardly climbed up on the horse’s back with him like he was scaling a mountain. He had never been on horseback before, it was a very awkward feeling. He got seated just in time; several of the hostiles poured out from the saloon. Once they saw the pair speeding away on the horse, they too ran over to their own.

“Shoot at them,” the blond snapped to Kili, “shoot them! Or do something to get them off our trail!”

They were no longer in the small town. Now they were out in the open desert, avoiding exotic trees and projectiles, barreling through the dirt at max speed. Quickly drying off his sweaty palms on his trousers, Kili made his wand comfortable in his grip once more, and turned himself around clumsily at the waist. The large clouds of dust spewing forth from the horse’s hooves made seeing hard, but he could see the brigands’ outlines faintly. A bullet rocketed past, hitting the blond man in the same shoulder. He roared in pain.

“ _ TAKE CARE OF THEM!! _ ” He screamed at Kili. Kili focused on one fuzzy outline and waited for the dust to clear just so, until he caught a glimpse of a head.

_ “Alarte Ascendare!” _ he shouted. The man instantly shot up into the sky, flailing pathetically. His horse sprinted on without him, turning away and going its own path. When he landed with a sickening  _ thud _ , he did not get up again. Kili took aim at another, this time it was two riding close together.  _ “Bombarda! _ ”

It was like a bomb exploded. Both of them disappeared into a haze of red mist. Luckily, their horses were unscathed. Three down, five to go.  _ “Confri- _ “ Kili was interrupted by another spell that smacked his wand right out of his hand. It was lost to the wind and the dust forever. “My wand!” he wailed, “I can’t-“

Again he was interrupted, but this time by the blond with no name. “Use my guns!” he ordered.

“What!? I-I can’t! I’ve never-”

The blond growled and reached into one of his holsters. He held the gun out behind his back, still trying to focus on leading his horse straight. “Aim, pull the hammer back, and shoot!” he yelled.

Kili gulped, then grabbed it. He turned back again and aimed at one of their pursuers. Concentrating hard, he locked onto what he deduced was his head. He did as the blond said, and shot the man with perfect precision. The next man was the same, and he went down quickly. Just as he took aim at the third in line, they began to pull back. Kili said as much to the blond.

“Good! They’ve given up. It’s about time too. Give me my gun back,” he held out his hand expectantly. Kili handed it to him.

“How am I going to reach the train now? We can’t go back, I’ll miss the pony express,” he said.

The blond sighed. “No, we’re not going back, preferably ever. You’ll just have to come with me. I’m going to see a powerful sorcerer, maybe he can help you get home,” he finally began to slow the horse down to a quick canter.

_ A powerful sorcerer? _ Kili thought,  _ I wonder who he is _ . “Oh, okay. Uh… speaking of home. Where… are we?” he asked slowly, afraid to be chastised. Instead the man huffed, but a near invisible smile sprouted up for a brief second. He raised an arm and gestured to the area around them.

“Well it used to be Mexico! But as of 1863, it’s now the Arizonan Territory. We folk just call it Arizona,”

Kili stared blankly back at him. “Uh… where’s that?”

The blond deflated. “East of California and west of Texas,” he replied tonelessly.

“Oh, America! We’re in America!” Kili grinned, “I never thought I’d be this far out west!”

“No sir! This here ain’t the America y’all’re thinkin’ of. California and Texas, yes sir, but not Arizona, not officially. We’re just a territory still,”

“Oh,” Kili grimaced, “Sorry. So how long until we reach this  _ powerful sorcerer _ of yours?”

“I’d say ‘bout a week,”

“A week!?”

“Yes, a week, city slicker! Sweet ol’ Tamale here can only go so fast, and I don’t want to push her past her limits,”

“What’s a tuh-molly?”  

The blond man with no name laughed, and it rang beautifully in Kili’s ears. “That sounds awful funny when you say it like that. It’s an amazing dish that y’all have to try while yer here. But it’s also my horse. My sweet as honey, harmless as a lizard, horse,” he leaned forward some and pat Tamale’s nose, who snorted affectionately.

“… I have so many questions,” Kili grumbled.

“Ask away, tumbleweed. We’ve got a whole week ahead of us, surely I can answer everything by then!”

“Great! Okay, so, what’s  _ that _ thing over there, and that other thing over  _ there _ ?”   
  


**Author's Note:**

> writers as a species thrive on comments. the more we get, the more motivation we have to continue writing! tell me what you thought of this, pretty please! ;)


End file.
